Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Lost Danielle Smith Diary Entries...

... Nation, these found their way into my possession. I won't say how, but rest assured that after being fully vetted by the Premier's Office, and having passed my waterboarding interrogation session with flying colours, I've been allowed to post them by the PC Gestapo.

August 3, 1979

Dear Diary: Today was a GREAT day! OMG! Got to ride my new bike down the alley all the way to the end of the block - SO exciting! I LOVE my new bike!

Ice cream man came down our block today - I got a Rocket - one of those Red/White/Blue ones, on a stick? SOOOO awesome! Weird thing, tho - the kid after me in line said "I want what Danielle got, too!" - was he WATCHING me? Creep. Conclusion? Jimmy Walton down the street is SPYING on me!

February 12, 1981

Dear Diary: SNOW DAY! No school today! Awesome. I was watching tv last night, and this show "Diff'rent Strokes" came on - pretty funny, I guess. I was talking to Suzie on the phone about how some of it was pretty lame-o. But the little guy in it (I don't know his name) looked straight at me after I said that and he said "What you talkin' about, Willis?" - SCARY! I don't know why he called me Willis, but he was TOTALLY listening to my conversation! Conclusion? The little guy from Diff'rent Strokes is SPYING on me!

May 20, 1989

Dear Diary: Graduation Day! FINALLY! Glad to be done with all this stuff - finals coming up, a little stressful, but what-evs. Going out with the girls tomorrow - should be F-U-N! Went out with the gang tonight, still in our robes just for a laff - whatever, I earned it. Some guy came up to us and asked if we were celebrating our graduation - how did HE know? Stalker was probably watching us all day, broke into my car to see my diploma or whatever - how ELSE could he know? Jerk. We left to go home right after. Saw a truck parked in the lot outside the restaurant with "County of Lamont" on the door - never heard of it. Messed up. Conclusion? Some weird guy - probably works for this "County of Lamont" - is SPYING on me!

December 21, 2006

Dear Diary: Winter Solstice tonight - shortest day of the year, so the days are only getting longer. Lots of weirdo tree-huggers out tonight - hope I never end up mixed up with really religious people, goes against my libertarian principles. Went to see "Dreamgirls" at the theatre with David - GREAT movie. It's only been out for 6 days, but getting Oscar buzz already. Strange moment, though - when I gave the theatre guy my ticket, he said "Dreamgirls is in theatre 3, enjoy your movie" - how the HELL did he know what I was going to see?!? Probably was watching me buy my ticket 10 minutes before. Creep. I should get David to go back there and kick his minimum-wage butt. Conclusion? Movie theatre guy is SPYING on me!

January 11, 2010

Dear Diary: I *love* being leader of the Wildrose Alliance - it's totally fabulous. Hopefully nobody catches on to the fact that, as a PC myself, I've been supporting that party for years, and every problem that's more than 2 years old I'm partially to blame for. Oh, well - new party, new name, blank slate, right? Went on my "date" with Rick Mercer the other day - funny guy. He wouldn't be allowed to get married in Alberta under a WAP gov't, but I think he knows that. Had a great time at West
Edmonton Mall - bowling, roller-coaster, witty repartee... I noticed, though, that there were people walking behind us and in front of us with video cameras with the "CBC" logo on them - WTF? Are you KIDDING me? Who the heck ARE these people? Conclusion: The CBC is SPYING on me!

February 4, 2010

Dear Diary: Throne Speech today. Norm's okay, I guess. Can't wait to get Chandler in as Lt. Governor - just kidding. He'd be great, but only Stephen gets to appoint Lt. Gov's. Was talking to lots of people in the foyer after the speech - this is easy. I get more attention than Eddie, and I don't even have a seat in the legislature, or a record to defend. Can I be Premier from the gallery? This "running" stuff is hard - even against Willerton and Dyrholm. Some of the people I talked to said that PC's were asking what we were talking about - BRUTAL! How did they see me talking to them? I thought the foyer was 100% private! Conclusion: The Premier's Office is SPYING on me!

February 6, 2010

Dear Diary: Tin foil hat and Get Smart "cone of silence" are ready for first stage of testing. HUGE day! Wish me luck!



(the above was presented as satire, and as such is protected by the free speech guaranteed to me by Canadian Law - any resemblance to actual events is strictly coincidental or presented in the interest of satirical expression, and should not be interpreted in any way as true or factual. Unless it is.)


Jeremy said...

Truly love the Internet girl tone you've put so much thought into.

Jennifer Pollock said...

Love this blog. At the Calgary Board of Education (CBE)in 1998-99 "someone" collected garbage from the public Board Room over a period of 3-4 months. The garbage contained doodling and notes trustees threw out after Board meetings. The notes were torn, placed into the styrofoam cup and placed in the waste basket. One day, the National Post published the contents of the notes, together with photos that clearly showed they had been reassembled. Danielle Smith was a trustee on the Board at the time. Could it be that her paranoia is based on those acts performed by "someone" who was stalking CBE trustees of the progressive persuasion. "Someone" who used information gathered, out of context, to unfairly damage the reputation of a diligent competent politician? Could Danielle foresee karma biting her heels?

Diary of Ed Stemlach said...

Dear Diary,

GOD I HATE THAT DANIELLE!!! She thinks she's so great just cause she's pretty and smart and popular and the media like her.

Well she's no big deal. I'm class president, not her! And there's no way I'm ever going to give that up without a fight. Before she came around, no one (and I mean NO ONE) ever questioned my right to be class president. Now she comes along. GOD I HATE HER!!

I can't believe she showed up to the dance. I mean, HELLO!!! That's something I organized as class President. All she wants to do is come and say 'that's not good enough, I could do that better.' I mean really, does anyone think she could organize a better dance than me? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

But I know how to beat her. I'm gonna start making fun of her, and I'm gonna get my friends to make fun of her too. That'll show her.

I might even make up a fake diary that makes her look all immature and shallow. Not that that will be hard! LOL!

Danielle is the worst. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE her!!!!!!!!!

Enlightened Savage said...

Fair ball...

Except, of course, for the fact that I am pretty sure Ed Stelmach has never typed "LOL" in his entire life. ;)

Anonymous said...

Premier's spokesman, who was watching the scrum, looked up from the scrum long enough to say "Hogwash! We're just doing opposition research!"

Anonymous said...

The only value in this utterly stupid post is proof of how vacuous and shallow Danielle's opponents are.

For that reason alone, keep up the good work!

Calgaryrants said...

Great Stuff ES! I think Jen P. is a little bitter, lol. Be careful not to speak ill of the WAP...they will come out in full force in support of their party ( as ANON. commentators of course.)

Anonymous said...

Folks will have a lot of fun with this one! Only disturbing thing is.....I can totally believe that Premier's office would try to intimidate anyone who may not follow with blind devotion

Anonymous said...

Too funny. Almost spit out my morning coffee with the new suggestion for Lt. Gov.! Thanks for posting.

Wonder what she'll do when the media finally gets around to asking questions that aren't softballs?

Brian Dell said...

I believe "OMG!" is an anachronism here since it wasn´t until at least the 90s that 13 year old girls were inclined to frequent use of this acronym.

Enlightened Savage said...

Brian: Would "Jiminy Cricket" have been a better choice? ;)