August 3, 1979
Dear Diary: Today was a GREAT day! OMG! Got to ride my new bike down the alley all the way to the end of the block - SO exciting! I LOVE my new bike!
Ice cream man came down our block today - I got a Rocket - one of those Red/White/Blue ones, on a stick? SOOOO awesome! Weird thing, tho - the kid after me in line said "I want what Danielle got, too!" - was he WATCHING me? Creep. Conclusion? Jimmy Walton down the street is SPYING on me!
February 12, 1981
Dear Diary: SNOW DAY! No school today! Awesome. I was watching tv last night, and this show "Diff'rent Strokes" came on - pretty funny, I guess. I was talking to Suzie on the phone about how some of it was pretty lame-o. But the little guy in it (I don't know his name) looked straight at me after I said that and he said "What you talkin' about, Willis?" - SCARY! I don't know why he called me Willis, but he was TOTALLY listening to my conversation! Conclusion? The little guy from Diff'rent Strokes is SPYING on me!
May 20, 1989
Dear Diary: Graduation Day! FINALLY! Glad to be done with all this stuff - finals coming up, a little stressful, but what-evs. Going out with the girls tomorrow - should be F-U-N! Went out with the gang tonight, still in our robes just for a laff - whatever, I earned it. Some guy came up to us and asked if we were celebrating our graduation - how did HE know? Stalker was probably watching us all day, broke into my car to see my diploma or whatever - how ELSE could he know? Jerk. We left to go home right after. Saw a truck parked in the lot outside the restaurant with "County of Lamont" on the door - never heard of it. Messed up. Conclusion? Some weird guy - probably works for this "County of Lamont" - is SPYING on me!
December 21, 2006
Dear Diary: Winter Solstice tonight - shortest day of the year, so the days are only getting longer. Lots of weirdo tree-huggers out tonight - hope I never end up mixed up with really religious people, goes against my libertarian principles. Went to see "Dreamgirls" at the theatre with David - GREAT movie. It's only been out for 6 days, but getting Oscar buzz already. Strange moment, though - when I gave the theatre guy my ticket, he said "Dreamgirls is in theatre 3, enjoy your movie" - how the HELL did he know what I was going to see?!? Probably was watching me buy my ticket 10 minutes before. Creep. I should get David to go back there and kick his minimum-wage butt. Conclusion? Movie theatre guy is SPYING on me!
January 11, 2010
Dear Diary: I *love* being leader of the Wildrose Alliance - it's totally fabulous. Hopefully nobody catches on to the fact that, as a PC myself, I've been supporting that party for years, and every problem that's more than 2 years old I'm partially to blame for. Oh, well - new party, new name, blank slate, right? Went on my "date" with Rick Mercer the other day - funny guy. He wouldn't be allowed to get married in Alberta under a WAP gov't, but I think he knows that. Had a great time at West
Edmonton Mall - bowling, roller-coaster, witty repartee... I noticed, though, that there were people walking behind us and in front of us with video cameras with the "CBC" logo on them - WTF? Are you KIDDING me? Who the heck ARE these people? Conclusion: The CBC is SPYING on me!
February 4, 2010
Dear Diary: Throne Speech today. Norm's okay, I guess. Can't wait to get Chandler in as Lt. Governor - just kidding. He'd be great, but only Stephen gets to appoint Lt. Gov's. Was talking to lots of people in the foyer after the speech - this is easy. I get more attention than Eddie, and I don't even have a seat in the legislature, or a record to defend. Can I be Premier from the gallery? This "running" stuff is hard - even against Willerton and Dyrholm. Some of the people I talked to said that PC's were asking what we were talking about - BRUTAL! How did they see me talking to them? I thought the foyer was 100% private! Conclusion: The Premier's Office is SPYING on me!
February 6, 2010
Dear Diary: Tin foil hat and Get Smart "cone of silence" are ready for first stage of testing. HUGE day! Wish me luck!
(the above was presented as satire, and as such is protected by the free speech guaranteed to me by Canadian Law - any resemblance to actual events is strictly coincidental or presented in the interest of satirical expression, and should not be interpreted in any way as true or factual. Unless it is.)